I'm not a good mother!

Mar 18th : I wonder how many mothers out there have ever questioned themselves on how their performance as a mother. Does it mean that I have to be a full time mother in order to be a good mother to my 2 boys? It's a constant battle between providing for your kids vs spending enough time with them. In order to provide for their needs, I have to work (or rather I choose to). But hubby and I make sure that we spend our weekends with them. Isaac, my elder son, is much closer to our babysitter, Wan. And because when he gets home from her place in the evenings and my mum puts him to bed, he's becoming closer to her too. Worse is that he tends to listen to them both rather than myself & my hubby! It breaks my heart to see him running into their arms when they call out to him. And recently when I did that, he would run towards me (it seems!) and then de-tour to the toys nearby! OUCH! Now my 2nd son, Ivan is also showing signs that he prefers to be in the arms of Wan or my mother! When I'm taking care of him, he tends to cry more & demand to be carried the whole day. When I put him down to sleep, he would cry. But the past 2 evenings when Wan dropped by for a visit, when she held him to feed him, Ivan behaved well. Then when she put him down to bed, he went straight to sleep. Argh... I was crying inside.. what did I do wrong? I did exactly like what she just did too but the results were vastly different! Am I a bad mother that both my sons preferred someone else to take care of them? When I eventually go back to work, I would barely have enough time with them both - only briefly on weeknights and the weekends. Or are those phases that my kids go through? Esp for Isaac... is he being a good boy by listening/being close to gong-gong & poh-poh when mum is busy with di-di..? Is he being understanding to spare me the headache of taking care of both of them? Will he still want me later, when I'm able to spend more time with him? What about Ivan? Is this week a more difficult week where he's more demanding & harder to care for? Will next week be different? Or it's just that I'm not a good mother??!??

*****